I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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