Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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