I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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