i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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