things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
