Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
