please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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