Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You have to summon your inner elephant
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
