this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
