I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
