My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
