Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
