I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
