i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
