i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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