Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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