Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
