so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
