this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
