dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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