i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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