If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
