dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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