i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
