i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
