omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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