I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize