How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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