I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
