So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
