i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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