covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
