If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
