In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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