i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
