my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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