You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
