Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
