i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
