Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize