Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
