so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
