i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
there was a trapeze. enough said
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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