hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
sex in a hospital.. check
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
