Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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