Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
