To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
As shirtless as possible
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize