I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
