I skipped work to stalk him.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
