she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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