I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
