I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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