I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize