dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Farmville is her only friend.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
