I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
