i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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