Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize