Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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