one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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