so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
