I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i think my cat just said my name.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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