i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
