My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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