Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
