My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
