seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
