you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
