Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize