I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
bring money and cleavage
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
