Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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