then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
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