I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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