if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
