"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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